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<title>i long to hear your voice but still i make the choice by myrowkelow</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22536319">i long to hear your voice but still i make the choice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrowkelow/pseuds/myrowkelow'>myrowkelow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Mentions of Caduceus Clay, Mentions of Essek Thelyss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:20:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22536319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrowkelow/pseuds/myrowkelow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They've been back at the Xhorhaus for a week. Caleb spends all his free time at Essek's.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fjord/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i long to hear your voice but still i make the choice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from Moondust by Jaymes Young.<br/>I listened to the song on repeat while I wrote this piece of angst after episode 91.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fjord sinks deeper in the hot tub, arms crossed over his chest. Training with Beau is still brutal, but he's getting there. He still complains a lot, but it takes longer for him to reach his limit. His muscles are aching something fierce, so he stays in the hot, soothing water. He remembers Beau telling him she was always slightly turned on by the pain after a training session and, before being able to stop his train of thought, Fjord realizes he kind of understands what she meant. His frown deepens a little.</p><p>Fjord barely hears the door of the room open and close. Soft footsteps are getting closer. The visitor doesn't want to disturb him but they are not actively sneaking around. Fjord cracks an eye open to see Caleb laying down fresh sets of towels on a bench. The man looks... Fjord cannot say exactly what it is, but Caleb looks... odd. Far away, maybe.</p><p>''Can I join you?''</p><p>''Of course.''</p><p>The half-orc closes his eyes as Caleb starts to remove his clothes. He keeps his head low as he hears the water being disturbed and keeps them closed a little longer. He takes a long, deep breath.</p><p>''Are you all right Fjord?''</p><p>Caleb's voice wants to be casual, but Fjord could hear a note of uncertainty. He finally opens his eyes and straightens his back. He had slumped forward more than he realized. His back pops audibly as he adjusts. Caleb is sitting on the other side of the tub, right in front of him. He seems nervous.</p><p>'' 'M Simply tired. Nothing a night' sleep cannot fix.''</p><p>He does not elaborate. They just look at each other for a moment. It's the first time in seven days they see each other. Since they arrived at the Xhorhaus, a week earlier, Caleb had spent almost all of his time at Essek's. It had been impossible for Fjord to catch Caleb alone. They would only see each other in passing. Caleb was always rushing out of the door or tugging Nott along for some private conversations. Caleb would disappear and reappear for a few minutes or so before vanishing again. Caleb never joined him at night either. The days moved on slowly. Fjord was never able to grab Caleb's attention.</p><p>At one point, he stopped trying.</p><p>Instead, he spent a lot of time helping Caduceus with the garden. He didn't know much, but he was willing to learn. Caduceus was ever patient with him like he always was. It was peaceful. They talked about faith, how it manifested into their lives and what it could mean for the future. They talked a lot, about nothing and everything. They sat together and drank tea, next to the little pool dedicated to Uk'otoa. Fjord felt uneasy but could not bring himself to ask Caduceus if they could remove it. After all, it was only a little pool of water. Nothing else really.</p><p>Right?</p><p>Fjord, sitting in the hot tub across Caleb, feels uneasy. A feeling he cannot wait to get rid of. So, he decides to be honest and vulnerable. Which is harder than expected.</p><p>''If you fell out of love with me, you would tell me, right?'' The half-orc is surprised at the softness of his voice as if he's asking Caleb if it's raining outside. He pushes on. ''Because I spent the whole week trying to not be jealous.'' He pauses. ''You disappeared on me.''</p><p>''Jealous. You were jealous?'' Fjord raises an eyebrow at Caleb's question.  ''Jealous of Essek?''</p><p>''Yes.'' Fjord takes a deep breath. He deflates and, as he speaks, his voice betrays him. ''I was trying not to be jealous of all the time you spent with Essek.''</p><p>Caleb looks like he has been punched in the stomach. Fjord couldn't keep his eyes on the human and started to get out of the hot tub. Caleb's hand is suddenly on his forearm, fingers pressing in his skin.</p><p>''Wait! Stay, please.''</p><p>The human is openly pleading and it is enough to make Fjord stop in his track. His blood is boiling in his veins and his mind screaming at him to run. But he doesn't. Caleb is there. With him. Fjord sits back down.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had no idea how to finish this short drabble and I decided to leave it open. The words wouldn't come to me and, after a few weeks of being unable to finish it properly, I felt like posting it anyway.</p><p>Hope you enjoy this little angst party.<br/>Kudos and comments are always appreciated &lt;3<br/>Thank you so much for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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